Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize