I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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