I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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