I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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