I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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