We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
