Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize