This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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