...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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