Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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