I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
