I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
