I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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