I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
