Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
