Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
