just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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