so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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