I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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