im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
