do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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