one two three fourrrrnication!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
