he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
