Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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