I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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