By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
