mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
only if we run a train.
done.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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