I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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