is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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