I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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