I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
