this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
