I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
