I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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