I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
