Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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