omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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