hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
