A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize