I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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