I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
