I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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