I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
