Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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