Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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