Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
