i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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