oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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