I think I won the penis lottery.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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