Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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