We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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