so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
