I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize