she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
