Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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