It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
