you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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