Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
