You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
