somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
