i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
