and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
